Getting back together,
they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I have got you both beat.
You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible?
And you know she can not see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. He is one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home,
so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son,
"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.

"The chicken was delicious."

Jewish Mother

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he is
fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I am going to bring over
3 women and you try and guess which one I am going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I am going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That is amazing, Ma. You are right. How did you know?"
"I dont like her."

Jewish Husband

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been
given a part in the school play. "Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls "That is terrible.
Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Not what it seems…


There was a Jewish woman, and she had three sons, who were in their twenties.
They were all at the point of getting married, and the oldest son was the first to get engaged.
He confronted his mother with the good news.
"Mom- I just got engaged to the best woman in the world!"
"That is great Joel, is she a nice Jewish girl?"
"Well, she is nice, but she isnt Jewish.
"Oy. Okay son, tell me her name."
"Her name is Yummigucci. She is Japanese."
"Well, son, as long as you are happy, I wish you the best."

So her first son got married. Then her second oldest son came along
telling her he was engaged, also.
"Mom! I am engaged!"
"Wow, Eddy, I am pleased for you! Is she a nice Jewish girl?
"Well, not exactly, she is Greek Orthodox."
"What is her name?"
"Krocapocalipessisi.
"Well, as long as she is good to you, I am happy for you."

So her second son got married. Then her youngest son came along telling her he was engaged.
"Oh, Lenny! That is great! What is her name?"
"Goldberg."
she almost fainted in joy.
"Oh, son! I’m so so so proud of you! I cant wait to meet her! What is her first name?"
"Whoopi."

There are worse things than being a gay…

A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet.
The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.

He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her,
as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.

Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!

Then after a pause, she ventures "I suppose it is too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?"

He replies, "Yes Momma, she is Jewish, and what s more, is from
a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family."

Momma is beside herself! "And what is the name of this wonderful girl?"

And the son replies,

"Monica Lewinsky".

There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,

"Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Jewish Holiday

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality,
goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

"You will die on a Jewish holiday."

"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesnt matter," replied the psychic.
"Whenever you die, itll be a Jewish holiday."

Israelis drivers

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light,
the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without
even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything feeling himself a "guest"
and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection.
This time the light was green and, to the Americans dismay,
the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.
Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.

"Listen." he says, "When you went through the red light, I didnt say anything.
But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:
"Are you crazy?!” he shouts.
"The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"